Water Is Fattening

WATER IS FATTENING

Mum says water is fattening –

she heard it on daytime TV.

I’m sure she must have misunderstood

so I tell her I disagree.

But she gives a loud disdainful sniff

and says she knows she’s right –

eight glasses of water a day

are making her hips look a fright.

I mention her love of Dundee cake

and her passion for full-fat cheese,

then remind her how much she adores clotted cream

but she protests, “Now, darling, please.

They’re little treats I have now and then

and I’m sure they can’t possibly matter.

It’s water I ought to cut down on now

because that’s what’s making me fatter.”

I go to her fridge for milk (full fat)

as Mum brews up the tea,

and there upon the second shelf down

I see Stilton, Cheddar and Brie.

Not tiny portions for one, of course –

they would feed her street for weeks.

And when I spot the fresh-cream eclairs

a blush spreads over her cheeks.

“I normally only buy one box

but three-for-the-price-of-two

was Tesco’s generous offer today

so what else could I do...?”

“But the ‘Use by’ date is today, Mum –

are the neighbours invited to tea?”

“Good God, no! Eclairs are my favourites –

I’m saving them all for me.

Don’t worry, I’ve worked out a clever plan

so I can eat them all at once:

If I give up water completely today,

I know I won’t put on an ounce.”

© Rosie Rose